20/10/15 My husband read my journal whilst I was out on Sunday, I did leave it out, but I wasn't expecting him to read it. I felt quite nervous even though I am making it public. I suppose it's because I wasn't sure how he would respond to knowing how I was feeling at those difficult times during my low points. I am also concious of not wanting to hurt my loved ones any more than I already have, putting them through the worry and fear of having cancer.
I had this determination and fight to get on with the treatment and the change that I was facing that I wasn't prepared for how it would impact everyone around me. I remember taking hold of my children and looking them in the eyes and seeing the fear and it burning into my heart. It was an emotion I had no idea existed and I don't think I have found a word for. I am certain my dad would known how I felt. I felt the same pain in my heart when my dad died and I was certain It was breaking, literaly, but I know differently now it was fear, loss, anger all consuming emotions. I really don't want them to feel that again because of me........
My husband was overwhelmed with emotions and said it brought back memories after reading it but he was glad he had. I think I am too......
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